A Cockroach Rant

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This is a rant about cockroaches… You’ve been warned.

Note: this post is entirely satirical and meant to induce humor.
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So I live in Nicaragua. That basically means I live in the open. I am, essentially, in a tent with a tin roof, which is cool, ‘cuz I got a roof over my head BBBBUUUTTTTT occasionally I have run ins with different species of insecti that I tend to avoid in the states. One such animal is the cockroach. Let me say right now, I am not a bourgeoisie girl. I admit, I can be a little high maintenance but almost living in a jungle will humble anybody real quick! So I can tolerate plenty. But what I won’t tolerate, are these foul creatures called cockroaches or cucarachas.
What an awful bug and who knew there were so fast.
I thought cockroaches were supposed to scatter in the dark. How dare you casually peruse on your way, like I’m not here. The nerve of you to scatter in my direction! I will not stand for such intimidation. Why are you here anyway!? How did you get here? Nobody’s supposed to be here. Especially not you! We had the house fumigated this month. I know God is without flaw and all but if there ever was a moment to lift a brow to the Fatha, this would be it. When I get to Heaven, after I get my angel wings and link up with my people, I’m going to lean back with my glass of iced tea (Lipton, ‘cuz that’s the only way)
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and say, “so God, I was wondering. What made you create the cockroach?” I mean what is your actual function here? Lizards I get, they eat the mosquitos. Mosquitos I get, they do something useful, I’m sure. But you! YOU DO NOTHING! Except exist as the bane of lower social class and defy nuclear bombs. Got me feeling dirty in my own house when I know it’s clean. Who knew there were cockroaches as big as my foot. Some kind of kingpin he was ‘cuz he had a huge silver circle thing on his back and was walking like he was the man when he came through. I liked to faint at the sight. A child screamed. You know you’re a new low when a Nicaraguan ain’t trying to see you. I didn’t even know there were levels of disgusting, but you have outdone my imagination with your hierarchy of colors, size and overall disrespect of my space. So help me God, you and all your brothers gon’ die. Every. Last. One. Of. Ya. I got a bottle of Raid and I am not afraid to use it. I’m out here raising it like the staff Moses. You will give us free this day. All my life I had to fight! I had to fight this heat, this Nica diet, this language barrier, I won’t let you take me out. Nope. I am more than a conqueror and word is bond me and every cockroach I see got beef. Go ‘head and pour one for the homie that died last night… he won’t be the last to die either.
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